Roommates up til like 230 this morning. Being loud. Partying. I think because Taye is leaving. Not sure. Either way. 3 hours of sleep. It’s killing my brain. Im too stressed to sleep. Too stressed to think. Work is killing my school.  School is killing my work. Each is making the other one worse. I need a month vacation. A month off of work and school. I guess 5 days will have to do. At least I’ll be in Clemson. I’m never stressed when I’m there. Everything is so relaxing. Always has been.

loves.

“who am I, that I should by vying for your touch”. I don’t have the right to want something I let go of. Do i? it doesn’t matter how I feel now, or what I would do, it comes down to I let her go. I bounced out. I was the asshole. I fucked up. I let my head get a hold of my heart and not let go. I let the words of ignorant friends sway me. Im embarrassed that I let it happen, never again will they sway me. I know what I want. Who I want. Who I love. It doesn’t matter what they think. Giving up something you love just because other people are stupid, makes you many times more ignorant than them. So here I am, just a stupid lonely girl, hoping for a second chance one day.

it is amazing to me how one decision can change someone’s world in an instant. how it can create this being, this beast with no wings to fly and no life to fight.  everything is going as it should be and then *wham* sucker punched. like you never meant anything at all.  everything that you were put through, everything you fought like hell to keep, everything you gave up, its all for nothing in the end. gave up everything, for absolutely nothing, gave up everything to be annihilated and left with nothing but a shattered soul.

decisions. regret. seems they go hand-in-hand. they will both eat you alive. time doesn’t hold on, doesn’t wait, it just goes on without you, ready or not.

may. god awful month. june. even worse. what are you supposed to do when the girl you loved tells you the reasons she hasn’t left you is because she feels she owes you her life and that she doesn’t want to hurt you. the love isn’t really there any more. just a sense of obligation. how long did she feel like this. the whole 10 months she has been back? since she left everything and came back? has she hated and regretted me since then? it’s fucked up. unbelievable. it’s a really dreadful feeling knowing someone doesn’t want to be with you but not having the balls to end it yourself. pathetic really. how can she want to be with a person we both hated for 2 years because she is a bitch and an unfaithful whore. the whore fucked me over more than once and yet she ran to her and never looked back. have i been that shitty of a person to deserve that. to deserve being discarded like a piece of trash. needing something and someone that has no desire to be in the same room as you, makes you into a pathetic human being. now thanks to too many fucked up relationships i am a paranoid asshole. i guess dating someone who tried to fuck every female they ever talked to will do that to you. at least the last one didn’t actually cheat on me. i think. who knows. she has broken me down, she always wanted to treat me better than the others but she managed to destroy more than the others could only dream of. what kind of a person does it make you when you walk away from the only relationship that worked, that you were treated right in. all because of pride and misunderstanding and the unwillingness to believe how much i hurt her, that i could actually cause that much pain to the woman i love. “love, it taught me to cry”.